[He says it as if Hythlodaeus has spoken utter nonsense. He isn't trying to be belittling, he's genuinely surprised by what he says. Unshakable Hythlodaeus? Made to feel uncomfortable by Byleth?]
Do you know when this crops up more often than not? Or is this simply something that is constant? I cannot imagine Byleth would attempt to cause these feelings intentionally, but if we could isolate where they might come from...
[He leans back a little against the back of the couch, his hand untucking to cup his chin as he thinks.
[Hades stares at him, stunned. Sure, Hythlodaeus is hardly a stranger to claiming his inadequacies at any chance he's given, in fact, he almost brags about them. He levels his inadequacies as a means to get Hades to help him, or others for that matter. So he doesn't have to do as much work, or have as many responsibilities.
He enjoys the smaller, simpler things, and so he never had need for grand abilities like that which Hades or Azem boast. There's a comfort in being inadequate in this sense.
Yet, there is none here, and the thought of Hythlodaeus being embarrassed—feeling any measure of shame over being inadequate, it utterly floors Hades.]
Hythlodaeus...are you afraid that I love him more than you? That he provides for me where you cannot?
[As he speaks, his voice is quiet and soft, as if speaking too harshly would shatter Hythlodaeus, and so he keeps his tone as gentle as he can.]
I will not deny my fondness for him, that he and I do share a bond that formed startlingly quickly, even by my measure, but...
[He reaches over to touch Hythlodaeus' hand, to take it in his.]
Do you believe I need what he gives me more than what you do?
But he does provide where I cannot. He understands how to act in ways I would not even consider. I feel like I understood you perfectly, a long time ago.
[He takes his hand, steadying himself. He does not want to tremble like this.]
It's different now. You're different now. Anyone would be able to see that.
[He's silent at that. What can he say? He knows he's different, there's no way he can be who he was all those millennia ago. When he was more naive to the cruelty of reality, even if he could conceive of horrors beyond most their brethren's imaginings, he still had no idea what awaited him. What trials, what horrors he would witness, that he himself would cause.
His gaze is focused on their hands as he considers the distress he's caused Hythlodaeus. In so trying to weather this burden so that Hythlodaeus may be spared, it seems that finding comfort elsewhere turned itself into its own burden.
He is the problem, not Byleth, not Hythlodaeus...him. That he should dare hope that things could return as they were, that he and Hythlodaeus could carry on as always...that somehow being this warped and broken version of the man Hythlodaeus so loved would ever be enough.]
Forgive me. I know not what to say beyond that. You are right, I am different. Forever changed by the wheel of fate, mangled upon its spokes, and what I have had to endure...I could not preserve myself for you.
[He squeezes Hythlodaeus' hand, but does not meet his gaze.]
Byleth might deliver unto me kindnesses that helps soothe the ache, but you are what I need. What I always have needed. Even after a thousand thousand lifetimes, that is the single thing that never changed.
It's fine that you are different, it is I who simply... could not adjust fast enough. I thought all would eventually be alright, kept in the dark as I was when I arrived here.
[Thats right. He did not want to burden Hythlodaeus, so he fell into the arms of another. ]
I don't know how to do what he does. I could figure it out, maybe.
[It's hard to believe that he's enough like this. Even if he says it. He may be needed, but...]
[Finally he looks at Hythlodaeus again, giving his hand a squeeze. But he realize that's not really the matter, it isn't that Hythlodaeus needs to, it's that he wants to. He wants to help Hades, but it's so damn hard to just let that happen.
Byleth gets away with it because he thinks of it on his own, but Hythlodaeus lacks such intuitive empathy, because he always has. Which, wasn't a problem back when Hades suffered mostly headaches and inconveniences.
But now, he's burdened by trauma, grief, and guilt, in quantities that are simply unfathomable for most, but especially for someone like Hythlodaeus plucked straight from paradise.]
But you wish to, you wish to help me, support me as you always have. It is unfair for you to must needs adjust, to weather a burden like this. This is not your failing, Hythlodaeus, this is not your fault.
[He takes in and lets out a measured breath, not quite a sigh, but a little more than a mere exhale. Trying to steady himself.]
What I suffered...even the me from those halcyon days would know little what to do. Do not blame yourself for this, Byleth's knowledge is not merely innate, but learned through living in a cruel world. I would gladly suffer a thousand times more to spare you from such agony.
All I need from you is your company, your love...and mayhap some tenderness, more than I required in the past. I need not such grand gestures as what he has provided, as much as I appreciate them, what I need is you.
[Hythlodaeus stands only to plop himself into Hades' lap. He places a hand on his cheek and squeezes his hand. His voice carries a little joke in it as he speaks close to his face.]
As loathe as I am to accept additional responsibilities, I think this I can manage.
[As Hythlodaeus stands up, Hades watches him with muted surprise, uncertain why he's risen—until he's climbing into his lap. Immediately he adjusts to allow Hythlodaeus to properly deposit himself there. The hand on his cheek invites him to tilt his head into it, drinking up the simple affectionate gesture.
Hythlodaeus' comment earns him a little bit of a smirk as he gazes up at him through his lashes.]
How gracious of you, I am truly so terribly lucky.
[He squeezes Hythlodaeus' hand, then releases it to put his arms around him, holding him close as he keeps his eyes on him.]
Now, will you stop scaring Byleth? He really doesn't deserve it, and I think if you gave him a proper chance, unclouded by my failings, you'll rather come to like him.
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[He casts his eyes down and away. He's lying, but only because he doesn't quite know the truth inside of himself.]
He oft causes me trouble. Or perhaps...
I'm unsure. There's something about him that makes me uncomfortable.
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[He says it as if Hythlodaeus has spoken utter nonsense. He isn't trying to be belittling, he's genuinely surprised by what he says. Unshakable Hythlodaeus? Made to feel uncomfortable by Byleth?]
Do you know when this crops up more often than not? Or is this simply something that is constant? I cannot imagine Byleth would attempt to cause these feelings intentionally, but if we could isolate where they might come from...
[He leans back a little against the back of the couch, his hand untucking to cup his chin as he thinks.
How odd...]
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[He thinks of that garden. He thinks of the way Byleth so earnestly bids for his attention. The way he's effortlessly connected to his emotions. ]
You like him an awful lot, for things that I would never even think to do. It leaves me feeling embarrassed... or inadequate somehow.
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He enjoys the smaller, simpler things, and so he never had need for grand abilities like that which Hades or Azem boast. There's a comfort in being inadequate in this sense.
Yet, there is none here, and the thought of Hythlodaeus being embarrassed—feeling any measure of shame over being inadequate, it utterly floors Hades.]
Hythlodaeus...are you afraid that I love him more than you? That he provides for me where you cannot?
[As he speaks, his voice is quiet and soft, as if speaking too harshly would shatter Hythlodaeus, and so he keeps his tone as gentle as he can.]
I will not deny my fondness for him, that he and I do share a bond that formed startlingly quickly, even by my measure, but...
[He reaches over to touch Hythlodaeus' hand, to take it in his.]
Do you believe I need what he gives me more than what you do?
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[He takes his hand, steadying himself. He does not want to tremble like this.]
It's different now. You're different now. Anyone would be able to see that.
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His gaze is focused on their hands as he considers the distress he's caused Hythlodaeus. In so trying to weather this burden so that Hythlodaeus may be spared, it seems that finding comfort elsewhere turned itself into its own burden.
He is the problem, not Byleth, not Hythlodaeus...him. That he should dare hope that things could return as they were, that he and Hythlodaeus could carry on as always...that somehow being this warped and broken version of the man Hythlodaeus so loved would ever be enough.]
Forgive me. I know not what to say beyond that. You are right, I am different. Forever changed by the wheel of fate, mangled upon its spokes, and what I have had to endure...I could not preserve myself for you.
[He squeezes Hythlodaeus' hand, but does not meet his gaze.]
Byleth might deliver unto me kindnesses that helps soothe the ache, but you are what I need. What I always have needed. Even after a thousand thousand lifetimes, that is the single thing that never changed.
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[Thats right. He did not want to burden Hythlodaeus, so he fell into the arms of another. ]
I don't know how to do what he does. I could figure it out, maybe.
[It's hard to believe that he's enough like this. Even if he says it. He may be needed, but...]
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[Finally he looks at Hythlodaeus again, giving his hand a squeeze. But he realize that's not really the matter, it isn't that Hythlodaeus needs to, it's that he wants to. He wants to help Hades, but it's so damn hard to just let that happen.
Byleth gets away with it because he thinks of it on his own, but Hythlodaeus lacks such intuitive empathy, because he always has. Which, wasn't a problem back when Hades suffered mostly headaches and inconveniences.
But now, he's burdened by trauma, grief, and guilt, in quantities that are simply unfathomable for most, but especially for someone like Hythlodaeus plucked straight from paradise.]
But you wish to, you wish to help me, support me as you always have. It is unfair for you to must needs adjust, to weather a burden like this. This is not your failing, Hythlodaeus, this is not your fault.
[He takes in and lets out a measured breath, not quite a sigh, but a little more than a mere exhale. Trying to steady himself.]
What I suffered...even the me from those halcyon days would know little what to do. Do not blame yourself for this, Byleth's knowledge is not merely innate, but learned through living in a cruel world. I would gladly suffer a thousand times more to spare you from such agony.
All I need from you is your company, your love...and mayhap some tenderness, more than I required in the past. I need not such grand gestures as what he has provided, as much as I appreciate them, what I need is you.
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As loathe as I am to accept additional responsibilities, I think this I can manage.
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Hythlodaeus' comment earns him a little bit of a smirk as he gazes up at him through his lashes.]
How gracious of you, I am truly so terribly lucky.
[He squeezes Hythlodaeus' hand, then releases it to put his arms around him, holding him close as he keeps his eyes on him.]
Now, will you stop scaring Byleth? He really doesn't deserve it, and I think if you gave him a proper chance, unclouded by my failings, you'll rather come to like him.